So I’ve met this really nice guy who is kind, available, interested, smart, funny and, well, nice and I have mixed feelings!
I’m afraid, Ill get bored and frustrated or that I will eat him alive…! Im afraid of the banal and boring. That there wouldn’t be any tension and therefor no growth, no excitement.
All too familiar! It’s the age-old dilemma that the bad boy is exciting.
So what the hell is it that makes him so exciting?
Is it that I can never really have him because he doesn’t really care about me or anyone else but himself? Is that really sooo exciting?
And what exactly is that tension I’m looking for that creates growth? The feeling that I am not getting enough attention, not important enough, not enough?!
That I have to fight for it, beg for it, earn it?
Is this the thing that makes me grow into a better person? Nay, this is the thing that turns me into a paranoid, insecure, mean and angry mess!!
So why do we, as women do it again and again? Is it because we have a low sense of self worth? Could it be that somewhere deep down inside there is this belief, this idea that ‘I am just not enough.’ So, a man that doesn’t really value us sits quite nicely within our own idea of self worth which is nice and comfortable thank you very much!
If this were the case, then when a man comes along who really values us, sees us like a gem and a gift, it would inevitably be very uncomfortable and confusing to our own ideas and no one likes to be proven wrong. We can tend to believe that he simply isn’t seeing the real me yet and when he does he will run away.
How many times have we women gotten a nice guy and tried our best, usually unconsciously and sometimes successfully to turn him bad?
And then when he turns bad, we feel shocked, hurt and betrayed. I know, as ashamed as I am to admit it, have done this in the past.
And then, occasionally there are the times that it is unsuccessful. This is what really woke me up from turning good guys bad;
I had an experience with a really nice and fabulous man. He was a self confessed ‘good man’ and when I (jokingly) said,
‘I reckon I could bring out the bad boy in you’
He stopped me in my tracks, looked me in the eye and said.
‘I don’t want to play that game’ – Holy crap. I was busted.
Was I an Incredible Hulk maker?
Had I been making it my job to encourage men to turn into the big green angry man I thought they were?
Had I been going around finding nice men and turning them into creeps? I’m afraid to say that the answer to that was (at least on some level) yes.
How many times have we pushed, prodded and tested him looking for that darkness, that monster, because we just know that he is in there hiding behind the surface?
Of course it is true that every person, including every nice guy does have a monster, a shadow, lurking just beyond the surface and maybe we want to see him so that we can know him too, so that we can know what we are getting our selves into.
But why is it that so many of us seem to ‘desire’ a bad guy?
Is it because our low sense of self wants desperately to be right? Or could it be because there is truly something sexy and desirable about a man with a shadow? Could it be that a man with a shadow, a healthy shadow is actually a good choice?
Firstly we need to understand that all people have shadows.
This is the part of ourself that we have disowned and/or shamed. This part, becomes demonised and forgotten about and usually then will act out in perverted ways. Just like any one who is locked up in a dungeon, not shown the light of day and told that it is bad for a very long time. It becomes or at least begins to act ‘bad.’
So, often, when we encounter bad behaviour, it is really the persons shadow playing out. We all have shadows and so wouldn’t it be best to know the beast that we are dealing with?
Three good reasons to choose a man who knows his shadow.
1- For me, as a woman who has well and truly explored and to some extent embraced her own shadow,
I need to know that a man will not be terrified by this part of me when she inevitably rears her wounded head.
I need to know that he is able to play in the deep dark waters with me rather than baulk at my ugly parts, warts and witches cackle at the times when the princess gown is removed. A man who knows his own shadow is much more likely to be able to withstand mine.
2- A man who knows his shadow is more likely to be able to really protect me. I need to know that if I were in danger out there in the world, if I were exposed to the shadow of another and was at risk, that he was able to protect me. That when faced with the darkness of another, he isn’t going to crumble, I need to know that he can stand up to the darkness in the world and unless he knows his own shadow, this is very unlikely.
3 – A man who knows their shadow, is far less likely to have it overcome them and take them by surprise. In a nutshell, a man who knows his shadow is usually a lot more likely to be able to keep it in check
and a lot less likely to have it take him by surprise. Giving it appropriate and safe air time in healthy doses can ensure that it’s not likely to build up and burst out in small triggers aka – Incredible Hulk.
So, these are all good reasons that a man who knows his shadow is a good thing, but
it doesn’t justify overlooking the good guy.
It doesn’t justify being attracted to a guy that is only or mainly in his bad boy or shadow self. So where do we draw the line?
When do we start to enjoy and receive the kindness, attention, devotion, warmth, calm and adoration of the really nice guy and stop the pushing and prodding to find, if not create, the shadow, the bad guy? When do we start to believe that we deserve kindness and love and trust it?
Perhaps, in order to do this, we first have to work on self-love, acceptance and worthiness and ironically, this has a lot to do with owning and embracing your shadow. Perhaps it is about learning to accept that you are truly a deserving queen and at the same time, providing a safe space for the men in your life to explore and express their shadow without shaming them so that we can finally have the men that we want.
A nice guy that loves and adores us, knows his demons and can play in the shadow safely. Now that’s what I call exciting and sexy!!!
Thanks for reading, watching and sharing.